What To Say At A Wedding

Even if I objectively remove what I do for a living out of the equation, I would still think weddings are a ton of fun. I feel like I was there when you picked out your dress (I did "love" that Facebook status after all), your invitation has been hanging on my fridge for over a month, I have an outfit ready to dance in that compliments my husband's, and I know there's going to be some form of cake. 

But in this real life scenario, Steven is a groomsman - he'll be taking photos while I'm left to fend for myself. After we get through the ceremony I have to talk to humans. Real people. I can't get by with sending emojis and I know if I drink too much it's going to get even more awkward. 

Like any good nerd, I try to calm my anxiety by researching the situation. Who do I know that's attending the wedding? What are the odds of us sitting together? And then I start to spiral... what if the couple opted for open seating and I'm forced to wedge myself at a table of strangers? Oh man. Just writing this and I feel a twitch coming!

Let me explain: when I'm coordinating a wedding, my inner Sasha Fierce comes out and I'm on. But in this case, I'm a guest. It's the same sort of anxiety when I force myself to go to a networking event. I literally have to talk myself into going and pray I don't stutter too noticeably. 

In an effort to help myself and those too consumed with social media to remember how to hold a conversation, I scoured the world wide web for some easy one liners to get a dialogue going. With these and a little champagne (just a little!), I should be able to make it until Steven gets back from his groomsman duties.

  • "Hi, I don't know too many people here, so I wanted to introduce myself. My name is Crystal and I'm friends with both the bride and groom." Full disclosure: a variation of this will be my new default for networking events!
  • If I have the confidence to juggle holding food and talking, I might go with "I can't stop eating this [insert cocktail hour food here]. Have you tried it?!" 
  • "On a scale of 1 to undrinkable, how terrible is the champagne?" This line would make my friends erupt in laughter because I've never met a glass of bubbles I didn't like... Note to self: work that last part in for good measure.
  • "Beautiful venue, have you been here before?" Hashtag basic, hashtag safe. Hashtag stick with this one.
  • "We're hoping to visit a brewery before our plane leaves tomorrow, any in particular you would recommend?" This might get weird because I don't drink beer, so I'll save it for when Steven is nearby. 
  • "I love your [insert cool accessory or article of clothing here]." My natural inclination is to close this out with "Do you want to be best friends?!" but I know better. I'll save the authenticity for smaller groups of people so the bride + groom don't get a string of texts the next day asking about the random girl in the flower maxi dress.